Keep your friends close and your division rivals closer.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”
-President Franklin D. Roosevelt
“It is an unfortunate fact that we can secure peace only by preparing for war.”
-President John F. Kennedy
“So I’m lying on the couch and Laura walks in and I say, ‘Free at last’, and she says, ‘You’re free all right, you’re free to do the dishes’. So I say, ‘You’re talking to the former president, baby’, and she said, ‘consider this your new domestic policy agenda’.”
-President George W. Bush
Inspiring words from the brave men we’ve elected to be the sovereign protectors of our country and way of life from all threats, both foreign and domestic. They understood, better than anyone, the reality of the idiom “keep your friends close and your enemies closer”. These kernels of wisdom from equally respected figures in American history give us important lessons we put in practice today:
- Understanding your enemy keeps you from living in fear
- Maintaining peace requires constant vigilance of threats to it
- Women be nagging
In their infinite wisdom, the United States military and NORAD crafted the DEFCON – defense readiness condition – alert system to keep the different branches of the Armed Forces in unique states of readiness, which you may be familiar with. 5 levels, ranging from “sipping Mai Tais on the beach” to “Slim Pickens straddling a nuke”. And any fan of the Matthew Broderick classic “WarGames” will tell you, you don’t want to see what happens when you get to DEFCON 1.
Just as a God-fearing, red-blooded American taxpayer can keep abreast of any impending nuclear winters, every cheese-eating, beer-fueled Packer fan should be up-to-date not only with the goings on of their own team, but the enemies in their midst. It’s with that in mind that we at Game On Wisconsin decided to take up the mantle ourselves and provide Cheeseheads everywhere this critical information.
The CHZCON – Cheesehead Readiness Condition – is a proprietary defense alert system to track the primary threats to Green Bay Packer success, using a similar 5-level approach. Every Tuesday, the weekly CHZCON briefing will provide a rundown of our top secret intelligence gathered on each member of the “Axis of Evil”: Bears, Lions and Vikings, as well as that week’s upcoming opponent with a corresponding threat level for each.
As you can see, as the levels increase in severity, the corresponding scenarios also become more dire. We treat these as you would tornado watches: you may never actually see a shirtless Paul Allen try to fight a ball boy, but if we were to ever reach CHZCON Level 1 we would easily have the conditions for such a thing. And may the gods help us if we ever do.
In this age of misinformation, it’s our hope at Game On that we can arm the Packers faithful with knowledge they know they can trust. Because the night is dark and full of terror, and only the fire of truth can burn them away. We’ll see you next week for the first of many installments. Until then, stay vigilant my friends.