“Death. Taxes. The Bears Sucking”: CHZCON Threat Assessment – Week 3

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Death. Taxes. The Bears sucking.

In this chaotic, crazy world, it’s good to have a few constants. Pillars of stability to hold on to. The eternal suckatude of the Chicago Bears will always be one.

As much fun as it was to watch another Lambeau Field beatdown of that sorry franchise down South, and this goes double now being a new dad, let’s put an end to the Bears/Packers primetime matchups. Either of the other two NFC North teams would make for a more competitive game to air in the pinnacle time slot of Sunday football.

I’ll let Kyle Brandt have a moment before we dive into this week’s report.

Chicago Bears – CHZCON Level 5

You heard me. Suckatude. That’s what the Bears were bringing into this game and the only ones that didn’t see it coming were the Chicago fans who spent the days leading up to Sunday filling up the “Old Takes Exposed” inbox with endless free content. If you want a fun-filled 30 minutes, check out Acme Army’s episode going through receipts like the damn IRS.

These dough-guzzlers thought that since Fields didn’t look like a trash bag filled with the discarded wood shavings last week vs the 49ers that he’d magically turned the corner and “figured it all out”. The only problem, of course, was last week the weather forced him to do one crucial thing: not have to be a quarterback.

Once he needed to run the offense and the defense he was playing wasn’t running through the splash pool, it became this.

SIX. POINT. SEVEN.

Read it again and let it marinate on your cerebellum. That’s like getting a 200 on the SAT when they give you 500 points for signing your name on the test.

Fields threw for just over 70 yards and almost half of that came on a flea-flicker trick play. After their opening touchdown drive, the Bears offense didn’t get a first down until five minutes into the third quarter. There’s not a single thing scary about this offense.

Their defense, supposedly the strong suit of the team, committed to stopping the run, even tempting a quarterback like Rodgers with single high safety for a lot of the game. Aaron Jones rushed for a buck-thirty.

This is your reality, Chicago.

Detroit Lions – CHZCON Level 4

Dammit. The Lions might actually be halfway ok.

Don’t get it twisted, though. We’re only talking like peak-Stafford era good here. A defense that can create a bit of trouble and an offense that can mess around and score points if you don’t take it seriously enough. You can’t overlook what Hutchinson is bringing to the table so far, leading the team in TFLs and tied a Lions rookie-record for 3 sacks in a game. Amon-Ra St. Brown definitely looks like the real deal too.

The reason we’re not bumping this up to a 3, though, is the fact that while their week 2 36-27 win is impressive at face value, it was a 36-27 vs the Commanders. And not just the Commanders, but the Carson Wentz-led Commanders.

The Lions easily jumped out to a 22-0 halftime lead, which included a safety and only one Commanders drive that went farther than 10 yards. For reference, those two drives were six plays each, all of which were Wentz passes. If that’s your best option offensively, you might as well start the game spotting a team three scores.

We nearly had a vintage Lions collapse in the second half, but unless you forgot what I just wrote, the Commanders had to rely on Wentz to lead the comeback, so it had about as much of a chance at succeeding as Dan Snyder does passing a federal background check.

Minnesota Vikings – CHZCON Level 5

Super Bowl hangover is a bitch, huh.

No, you aren’t having a stroke. The Minnesota Vikings, a team that has had one of the most dynamic running backs in the league for years now, played a game where Book of Mormon understudy Kirk Cousins was the leading rusher. That’s almost as egregious as not playing your best cornerback on Justin Jefferson.

Speaking of which…

WHAT A NOVEL CONCEPT!!

The Philly defense aren’t exactly world beaters. For godsake, they gave up 35 points to Jared Goff last week. But they were able to figure out what Joe Barry was unable to do: put his best players in the best situations to be successful

The Vikings defense got to an extra helping of crow as their post-game meal. The Eagles offense was near unstoppable. Jalen Hurts looked like vintage Michael Vick running around last night. Harrison Smith led Minnesota in tackles by a large margin. If your very last line of defense is the only one making tackles, you’re going to have a bad time.

Za’Darius Smith, I assume still hungover from the personal Super Bowl parade he threw himself after last week, had the same amount of solo tackles as Garrett Bradbury. Yes, Garrett Bradbury. The Minnesota Vikings center.

It will never not be hilarious to watch Kirk Cousins poop his pants on Monday Night Football.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – CHZCON Level 3

Let’s see the tape.


Enhance.


Enhance.

I’m never one to shy away from a good Brady meltdown and I’m not about to start now. But there is a different layer to these now. As I mentioned in a previous report, watching Brady unretire and reportedly throwing his relationship to a supermodel into a wood chipper is somewhat difficult to stomach because it’s clear that this was motivated solely by Tom’s addiction to competition. And can you blame him?

The dude has known nothing but competing and succeeding at the highest level since the first GWB term. Listen to any former NFL player and they’ll tell you the hardest thing to walk away from is the locker room. The comradery; going to battle with your men. We’re not watching a quarterback, we’re watching a addict desperately chasing the dragon.

Pity party aside, this offense is not good at the moment. They had to play last week without Julio Jones and Chris Godwin, who are still questionable for this week’s game. Mike Evans received a one-game suspension, however with a possible appeal could still play Sunday. But don’t fret, Bucs fans! The cavalry is on the way!

Did I say cavalry? Sorry, I meant Cole Beasley.

All of this info would make you feel pretty good at face value going into Sunday, however this is a Tom Brady-led team, which means he has a top-tier defense to carry his well-toned posterior while he throws a tantrum.

Still though, the Bucs allowed Jameis Winston and his toothpick spine to throw for nearly 250 yards. The only thing that put this game away was the fact that Winston is Winston and will continue to do Winston things in perpetuity.

This is a game the Packers can win, especially if Beasley is being asked to come off the street and be WR1. Still, don’t expect this to be easy. Never expect it to be easy against Brady.

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