Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.
Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.
Week 9 Results: 8-5
Record to Date: 63-62
Let’s get something straight right off the bat.
Alright. That said, let’s make some picks.
Houston Texans – Triumph the Insult Comic Dog Cleveland Browns – McGruff the Crime Dog
Dogs doing people things. Is there anything better? We all love the picture of dogs playing poker, so the dog smoking a cigar and throwing around crass insults to strangers feels right. He’s just like us, he’s relatable! You want to talk about unrelatable, though? How about a dog in a trench coat who’s actually just a big narc. I think Lisa sums up my feelings pretty well.
Washington – Rowlf Detroit Lions – Dug
Anyone else feel like Rowlf needs to look more ”dog-like”? We all know Kermit is a frog, Fozzie is a bear, Gonzo is…also there. You know exactly what they are right away, but with Rowlf it takes a second. And his thing is music? The Muppets famously have their own band. Kind of redundant. Now, is Dug anything outstanding? Not necessarily, but he is the incarnation of every dog owner’s dream: a lovable puppy who can speak human. He may not have the name of the Muppets behind him, but he’s the better dog.
Philadelphia Eagles – Mr. Peanutbutter New York Giants – Clifford the Big Red Dog
I relate hard to Mr. Peanutbutter. An overly sunny disposition that’s used to cover a dark nihilist outlook on the world. I feel very seen. And while Clifford is still a good boy who helps teach kids to read, it’s hard to relate to a two-story dog. Side note: what do they do about Cliff’s…droppings? I need a whole mini-series on that.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Jake Carolina Panthers – Lassie
Lassie, while still a good dog, is the most overrated dog on this list. The real life Lassie helped a WWI sailor after his boat was sunk. This one simple story spawned a couple TV series, a radio program, several movies and a video game. And you’re telling me Hollywood only recently ran out of ideas? Jake may not have the PR campaign behind him that Lassie does, but he’s proven himself to be a much better hero than Lassie, or most dogs really. He’s got magic stretchy power; how do you top that? If Timmy is stuck down the well, you think he wants some dog running off, hoping he finds someone with a ladder, or a dog that can transform into an escalator.
Denver Broncos – Pluto Las Vegas Raiders – Mr. Peabody
Serious question: has Pluto ever actually done anything? Every time I see him in cartoons or movies, he’s just sort of…there. Do something! Root through the garbage, hump someone’s leg. BE. A. DOG! I know Mr. Peabody isn’t very “dog-like” either, but at least he’s out here advancing time travel technology and educating America’s youth at the same time.
Los Angeles Chargers – Blue Miami Dolphins – Marmaduke
Why have we been deprived of the gritty “Blues Clues” reboot? Detective Blue flops into her worn armchair, pouring a glass of whiskey and taking a long drag off a cigarette before rubbing her weary eyes as she looks over the pile of evidence on the serial killer she’s spent her whole career trying to bust, before picking up the picture of his latest victim. “Come on, Blue. Just skidoo one more time”, she mutters to herself. HIT ME UP, NETFLIX!! Marmaduke is just an untrained dog. A good dog, but untrained nonetheless.
Buffalo Bills – Wishbone Arizona Cardinals – Beethoven
We’ve already established that all these dogs are good dogs. That’s just a fact, but these two are two of the best good dogs. Beethoven is a lovable floof who teaches us that everyone can find love. And Wishbone does a better job teaching children about our literary classics than any two-bit teacher. I hate picking a winner here, but if I have to, Wishbone brings the energy and creativity that Beethoven just doesn’t. BUT HE’S STILL A GOOD BOY!
Seattle Seahawks – Bandit Los Angeles Rams – Brain
The robot revolution is coming, people. Inspector Gadget is basically just the incompetent brother of Skynet, and while he may seem like just a high-tech Mr. Magoo, don’t be fooled. He wants to see you and everyone you love enslaved under the oppressive robot rule. Brain is our Benedict Arnold, helping usher in our new robot overlords. Meanwhile, though, Bandit isn’t really much better, wetting himself at the site of whatever monster of the week they’re facing. At least Brain comes into this with good intentions.
San Francisco 49ers – Astro New Orleans Saints – Slinky
I know Slinky is just a toy, but doesn’t it feel like he’s from the future? He’s got a real Inspector Gadget feel to him. Astro may actually be from the future, but he’s really just a regular dog that just happens to live several decades from now. Slinky brings the future today. Plus, even though he’s voiced by Jim Varney, he’s somehow the more intelligible of the two.
Cincinnati Bengals – Snoopy Pittsburgh Steelers – Brian Griffin
The two dogs from two programs that you can say have maybe overstayed their welcome. I don’t think “Family Guy” is bad, but it’s at least on the back nine. And I think you can argue Brian is one of the better parts of the show. On the other hand, “Peanuts” was never good and the sooner we as a nation recognize that, the sooner we can move on and grow together. And why the hell is Snoopy fighting the Red Baron? Where were you 30 years later when Germany was doing things, Snoop??
Baltimore Ravens – Goddard New England Patriots – Courage
Courage the Cowardly Dog is the Rudy of our competition. Whether you like him or hate him, you at least have to respect his drive and plucky attitude in the face of adversity. Unfortunately, Rudy doesn’t hold up against actual competition. Goddard is scientifically engineered to be the perfect dog. Goddard can split atoms, I think he can handle all those boogeymen Cougar has to take care of.
Minnesota Vikings – Eddie Chicago Bears – Goliath
“Frasier” deservedly won a ton of Emmys, but at least one of those should belong to Eddie. He was the Pumba to Martin’s Timon, working in tandem to ruffle Frasier’s feathers. Could you have the show without Eddie? Yes, but it would not be the same. I guess the same goes for Goliath, seeing as how he’s one of the co-stars. I don’t think anyone could really have any issue with his show and their message, but good GOD I can’t stand hearing that dog talk! Talking dogs are a breakaway layup, you can’t miss. Why is he Eeroye?
Jacksonville Jaguars – Balto Green Bay Packers – Dodger
Ahh, Balto. The dog participation trophy. He’s a sled dog who did sled dog things. Yeah, he saved all those kids, but that’s his damn job!! No days off! Plus there’s real controversy that the real Balto was even leading that sled dog team because he was very unreliable. You want the real deal? A dog of the working man, real salt of the earth? Let me introduce you to Dodger. One bad puppy. Dodger leads the grassroots fight against late-stage capitalism and still has time to unite the worlds of dogs, cats and humans. He’s got the bona fides.