Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks Week 11: One-Hit Wonders

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Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.

Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.

Week 10 Results: 8-5

Record to Date: 71-67

It’s better to burn out than fade away. Chris Farley. John Belushi. Peyton Hillis. The same applies to our one-hit wonders in today’s Picks. Love them or hate them, they came, they saw, they topped the charts, then did absolutely nothing else.

Philadelphia Eagles – “Unbelievable” EMF   Cleveland Browns – “Come On Eileen” Dexy’s Midnight Runners

Jack of all trades, master of none? “Come On Eileen” is a fun song and works ok in a lot of different situations. Weddings, house parties, bris. I don’t want to listen to “Unbelievable” all the time, but man when I’m in a Jock Jams mood I *want* it. I think you gotta take the multi-tool players here.

Winner: Browns

 

Atlanta Falcons – “Two of Hearts” Stacey Q     New Orleans Saints – “What I Am” Edie Brickell 

Back in the before time, I used to play bar trivia a lot. I once had a question that asked about a one-hit wonder from the 80s that had a playing card as it’s name. I was so sure it was “Queen of Hearts” by Juice Newton that I wagered our team’s highest point total on it right away. The answer was “Two of Hearts”. We lost. Screw you, Stacey Q.

Winner: Saints

 

Cincinnati Bengals – “867-5309” Tommy Tutone    Washington Football Team – “Turn the Beat Around” Vicki Sue Robinson

Was “867-5309” an 80’s era meme? So many parents out there like, “I just don’t understand the appeal of watching some random guy on a skateboard drinking cranberry juice” and are the same people that called this number 20 times during a sleepover. Don’t punish us for your failings in life, Karen!! Look, man, the song created a nationwide controversy. Like it or not, it left it’s mark on the world, something I don’t think you could say “Turn the Beat Around” was able to do.

Winner: Bengals

 

Detroit Lions – “A Girl Like You” Edwyn Collins   Carolina Panthers – “Genius of Love” Tom Tom Club

If you’re Tom Tom Club, how do you feel about this being your legacy? “Genius of Love” is a good song, but when I hear that song I instantly think of Mariah Carey. So your legacy as a one-hit wonder is a beat that was made big by a more popular artist. That’s a bad beat. Safe to say “A Girl Like You” isn’t typically at the top of many playlists, but maybe it should be? Not to mention we only think of his song when we hear it.

Winner: Lions

 

Pittsburgh Steelers – “Epic” Faith No More   Jacksonville Jaguars – “Rock Me Amedeus” Falco

You gotta either be a genius or crazy to write an 80s pop song about Mozart. Falco is a genius. The beauty of a one-hit wonder is it should be unique. “Epic” is a great song, but you could drop it into any grunge discography and it would sound like everything else. Plus, “Rock Me Amedeus” gave us this.

Winner: Jaguars

 

Tennessee Titans – “Smokin in the Boys Room” Brownsville Station    Baltimore Ravens – “No Rain” Blind Melon

Is there anything worse than being a country/rock one-hit wonder? You’re always going to sound like all the other country songs. I guess maybe “Old Town Road” is the exception? Ok, I’ll walk that back a bit. Still, “Smokin in the Boys Room” is no “Old Town Road”. “No Rain” is not only one of the top 90s one-hit wonders, but even had an iconic music video.

Winner: Ravens

 

New England Patriots – “You Get What You Give” New Radicals   Houston Texans – “Who Let the Dogs Out?” Baha Men

The first album I ever bought with my own money was Baha Men, which was a pretty accurate precursor for the next several years of my financial decisions. That doesn’t change that the song still went hard. HOWEVER, the story behind the true owner of the song is convoluted and there’s significant evidence Baha Men stole the song *pause for shocked gasp* So while “You Get What You Give” isn’t exactly the strongest contender here, at least New Radicals came by it honestly.

Winner: Patriots

 

Miami Dolphins – “I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles)” The Proclaimers  Denver Broncos –  “All My Life” K-Ci & JoJo

Talk about a dark horse. “All My Life” isn’t necessarily at the top of everyone’s one-hit wonder lists, but it definitely deserves to be. Who doesn’t love a good baby-makin’ jam? But man, The Proclaimers gave us one of the most recognizable songs in this list. Is it enough to triumph here? I was going to say yes, but then I watched the music video for “All My Life” and damn the black suit/white scarf/white glove look is really vibing with me.

Winner: Broncos

 

New York Jets – “Maniac” Michael Sembello   Los Angeles Chargers – “Bittersweet Symphony” The Verve

Well, here’s an interesting question: if the one-hit wonder was written for a movie, does that help or hurt it in the competition? “Maniac” is obviously the theme to “Flashdance” (it was originally supposed to be in a horror movie), so did it become a hit because of the song or because of the movie? In a different draw, it might not matter, but “Bittersweet Symphony” is the Robin to “Wonderwall”’s Batman and it’s going to take more than a Rent-A-Center workout montage to knock it off.

Winner: Chargers

 

Dallas Cowboys – “I Melt With You” Modern English   Minnesota Vikings – “Bitch” Meredith Brooks

Maybe one of the best parts of the 90s was the rise of DGAF female singers. “Bitch” was the anthem for it all. And hearing it on the radio as a kid made you feel like you were doing something wrong, which was fun. “That’s a no-no word, but this lady is saying it on the same station I just heard the Macarena on. That’s pretty cool.” I know we keep saying this, but “I Melt With You” just fades into the background of it’s era too much.

Winner: Vikings

 

Kansas City Chiefs – “The Future’s So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades” Timbuk 3   Las Vegas Raiders – “Just a Friend” Biz Markie

The future may be bright, but the true meaning behind the song isn’t. The quirky jam is actually somewhat of a “protest” song, ripping the nuclear age and the Reagan era. Look man, if you’re going to give me fun and upbeat, don’t be mad when the dark undertones don’t exactly land. I’m looking at you, Chumbawamba!! It’s the opposite of “Just a Friend”, which clearly lays out our plot, protagonist/antagonist with a precise beginning/middle/end and a fun hook to boot. It’s a Hall of Famer, even if every drunk white guy thinks it makes them cool that they can sing the whole thing at karaoke.

…..it’s me, I’m that drunk white guy.

Winner: Raiders

 

Los Angeles Rams – “Pop Muzik” M   Tampa Bay Buccaneers – “Safety Dance” Men Without Hats

Tough luck for “Pop Muzik” here. It’s an underrated one-hit wonder. Give it a listen, that’s quintessential 80’s and I love it. But “Safety Dance” takes it to a whole different level. It’s so popular, I had to double check that Men Without Hats didn’t have other hit songs because I assumed the group that gave us that had to have more. Alas, no, but doesn’t change the fact it’s a banger.

Winner: Buccaneers

 

Green Bay Packers  – “It Takes Two” Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock   Indianapolis Colts – “Nothing Compares 2 U” Sinead O’Connor

Part of the fun of one-hit wonders is the acts themselves. Once you’re known as a one-hit wonder, you now have an aura around you that is somewhat endearing. Sinead O’Connor does not have that. Not that she really cares, probably, but still it affects how the song does in the ever important Picks. I don’t know much about Rob Base & DJ E-Z Rock, but I already like them better.

Winner: Packers

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