Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.
Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.
Week 2 Results: 6-9
Record to Date: 21-24
Text your cousin for their Spotify Premium password, gang. Today’s picks puts the iPod on shuffle (because no self respecting person has an iPod shuffle) as we use Billboard’s #1 songs of the last 50 years to tell us who’s doing the happy dance in the endzone.
Indianapolis Colts – “In Da Club” 50 Cent (2003) Chicago Bears – “Happy” Pharrell Williams (2014)
So we’re starting off with an easy one, huh? “In Da Club” is a banger. And while “Happy” ingratiated itself in the zeitgeist by selling out to Fiat commercials, “In Da Club” did it naturally by being the “cool” birthday to put on your friend from high school’s Facebook page. G-G-G-G-UNIT!!
Jacksonville Jaguars – “Careless Whisper” Wham! (1985) Cincinnati Bengals – “Faith” George Michael (1988)
I feel like I need to go on record that the Picks assigns these randomly. I audibly gasped when I saw this is how the pairings played out. This is like getting the Super Bowl match up on Wild Card weekend. It’s really hard to do this, because “Faith” slaps, but nothing-and I mean nothing-touches “Careless Whisper”. That sax goes hard.
Cleveland Browns – “Call Me” Blondie (1980) Dallas Cowboys – “The Sign” Ace of Base (1994)
An interesting match up. Both have a solid starting line-up of hit singles. Blondie did it over a course of several albums, while Ace of Base’s hits all came out on one album. If we were looking at career, this favors Blondie. But we’re just looking at these two songs, and “The Sign” has an argument for being one of the top 5 songs of the decade.
New Orleans Saints – “Believe” Cher (1999) Detroit Lions – “Bette Davis Eyes” Kim Carnes (1981)
We don’t like to have many hard and fast rules around here at the Picks. As Obi Wan said, “Only a Sith deals in absolutes.” However, there’s one we must abide: no Cher. Even if “Bette Davis Eyes” wasn’t a good song, and it’s definitely not the strongest contender here, “Believe” has to lose. For your sake, for my sake, for America’s sake.
Seattle Seahawks – “Macarena” Los Del Rio (1996) Miami Dolphins – “Bad Day” Daniel Powter (2006)
I think this is the only matchup we have of true one hit wonders. And not just one hit wonders, but “anonymous” one hit wonders. Be honest, if you didn’t see the names up there, could you have named who sang them? They’re like Brett Favre’s pre-Rodgers back up quarterbacks: they were good (some of them at least), but you didn’t know who they were. Speaking of Packers, only one of these has been turned into a Packers song so that has to win.
Los Angeles Chargers – “Hold On” Wilson Philips (1990) Tampa Bay Bucs – “Every Breath You Take” The Police (1983)
You know how they talk about how different movies/shows couldn’t be made today? Like Blazing Saddles, which if made today would cause an outrage but we can at least still appreciate it now and is considered one of the best movies. That’s “Every Breath You Take”, except for the fact it’s not very good. It’s about a stalker, for god’s sake! Not to mention “Hold On” is actually a good song. Game over.
Baltimore Ravens – “Walk Like an Egyptian” The Bangles (1987) Washington Football Team – “Tik Tok” Kesha (2010)
I don’t care what anyone says, I’m a Kesha stan. I’ve been there from the beginning. I have a playlist of pump up music that’s almost 25% Kesha. Meanwhile, “Walk Like an Egyptian” is a fun song and everything, but even The Bangles themselves came out and said it’s their least favorite song. That’s enough for me.
Arizona Cardinals – “Yeah!” Usher (2004) Carolina Panthers – “Irreplacable” Beyonce (2007)
Is there a song that gets millennials more turnt at weddings/dances that “Yeah!”? If I go all in with that, what beats it? I remember feeling like a boss because I could sing the entire Ludacris verse (look at me using past tense as if it still doesn’t make me feel like a boss). This ends up being a very unfortunate draw for “Irreplacable”, a great song in its own right, but come on…this is “Mr. Brightside”-level we’re talking about here.
Minnesota Vikings – “Low” Flo Rida (2008) Houston Texans – “Hanging by a Moment” Lifehouse (2001)
As you could probably guess, 90s-00s hip hop has a real edge in the Picks. I’m not sure how a song by Lifehouse became a No. 1 song (as with most problems, I blame white people). Thankfully, we don’t even have a contest here because not only is “Low” a classic, it gave us one of the best moments in cinematic history. Welcome to the goodie room!
New York Giants – “That’s What Friends are For” Dionne Warwick (1986) Los Angeles Rams – “I Will Always Love You” Whitney Houston (1993)
Manning vs Brady. Young vs Aikman. Lions vs Success. These are a few of the battles between greats we’ve gotten to watch. And we have another one here with Warwick vs. Houston. It’s tough to parse the difference between the two, so as in most situations in my life, I defer to the Simpsons.
New England Patriots – “Boom Boom Pow” Black Eyed Peas Kansas City Chiefs – “(Everything I Do) I Do It for You” Bryan Adams (1991)
Intriguing match up here. Both are technically crap, but they’re entertaining crap. And in the end, isn’t that the real truth? The answer is: no. If we’re looking at the song that was more popular, you go “Boom Boom Pow”. However, the better overall song, and one that required a bit more talent to make, advantage Mr. Adams. Plus, I’m a sucker for an 80s era love ballad.
Buffalo Bills – “Breathe” Faith Hill (2000) Las Vegas Raiders – “Physical” Olivia Newton-John (1982)
Do you look at something and wonder, “why was this so popular at one point?” I do it with gender reveals and Jeff Fisher, and I do it with “Physical”. How can you take such a great thing like sex and make it so boring in a song? The fruit can’t be more low-hanging and, yet, ONJ missed the mark. “Breathe” is a good song by itself, but Faith Hill is also part of football culture, so that’s the dagger.
Philadelphia Eagles – “End of the Road” Boyz II Men (1992) San Francisco 49ers – “Thrift Shop” Macklemore (2013)
Look, we all loved “Thrift Shop”. It is a fun song and called out R. Kelly before it was cool. In most other match ups, this wins 9 times out of 10. But this isn’t most match ups. It drew Boyz II Men, a freaking powerhouse. And “End of the Road”, possibly their strongest song ever. Pour one out for our buddy Macklemore.
Atlanta Falcons – “How You Remind Me” Nickelback (2002) Green Bay Packers – “Look Away” Chicago (1989)
Wow. We are really ending on a low note, aren’t we? We had so many good options that could’ve landed here. Instead, we get Thursday Night Jags/Jets. As crap a draw as this is, it’s pretty easy to pick. When one option is Nickelback, and the other is not, you go with the not.