Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks Week 5: Greek Mythology


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Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.

Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.

Week 4 Results: 8-6

Record to Date: 29-30

Gratuitous nudity. Unbridled misogyny. Pooping outdoors. Welcome to ancient Greece. Today in the Picks, we’re looking to the gods to lead us in deciding who will find favor and who will be subjected to either extreme eternal torture/thrown into the stars as a constellation. We’ve got Greek myths in week 5.


Carolina Panthers – Sirens   Atlanta Falcons – Pegasus

We start out with two of the most overrated creatures in mythology. Pegasus probably more so. He’s just a horse that can fly! And sirens, they don’t even actually do any of the killing themselves; just sing and bring people into rocks. If you can be beat by plugging your ears and going “lalalala”, you’re not that great. At the end of the day, I’ll take the thing that can at least go on land and sky.

Winner: Falcons


Buffalo Bills – Aethon    Tennessee Titans – Colchian dragon

Now a pairing of two one-hit wonders. Aethon was just an eagle that eats Prometheus’ liver every day (honestly, not a bad gig for the eagle if you can get it). The Colchian dragon, while still a dragon, was only allowed to guard the Golden Fleece of Colchis, which he ultimately fails at, a running theme with a lot of these creatures. But if they’re going head-to-head, you always have to go with the dragon.

Winner: Titans


Las Vegas Raiders – Kraken    Kansas City Chiefs – Manticore

Ok, the Picks did a great job grouping similar creatures together, this time both were probably more prevalent in other cultures. The Kraken is famous thanks to Jason and his merry bunch of Argonauts, but it’s more prevelant in Nordic culture, while the Manticore is Persian which found its way into Greek. The manticore is a super cool lion with a scorpion tale, but the Kraken has a hockey team named after it and is immortalized in meme form. That’s too much firepower.

Winner: Raiders


Arizona Cardinals – Ichthyocentaurs   New York Jets – Amazons

You know that “Can I copy your homework? Yeah, just change it so no one can tell” meme? Icthyocentaurs are the second half of that because all they are are centaurs with fish tails added. But really, there wasn’t much that was going to come in here and top the Amazons. Bad-ass warrior women with pseudo-god powers? Good luck. Not to mention they gave us Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman.

Winner: Jets


Philadelphia Eagles – Hippogriff    Pittsburgh Steelers – Cyclops

Does the hippogriff get an unnatural bump because of Harry Potter? Yeah, probably. Maybe the cyclops needs a better agent. That aside, the cyclops is criminally overrated. He gets blindly too easily by Odysseus; the whole one-eye thing is a bit of liability, eh? So as much as it might sound as a homer pick, I’m going Buckbe…I mean, the hippogriff. (next time, gut Malfoy like a fish)

Winner: Eagles


LA Rams – Sphinx    Washington Football Team – Charybdis

Everyone knows the Sphinx in Egypt, but before she was a statue in the desert she had a successful career as Alex Trebeck. She kills everyone who can’t answer her riddle, until Oedipus comes along and nails it (before his mom. HEEYOO!!). Her response? Jump off a cliff. Maybe get a temp job or something instead. Meanwhile, Charybdis is a big ol’ whirlpool and one half of the Charybdis/Scylla tag team. He’s got life figured out.

Winner: Washington


Cincinnati Bengals – Griffin    Baltimore Ravens – Centaurs

Griffins are technically hippogriff’s daddy, so already a leg/wing/talon up. Hippogriffs have horse bodies and griffins get lions. Talk about losing the gene pool lottery. And if you’ve followed the Picks, you know my opinion on horses so you can probably guess how I feel about centaurs. They’re like the fantasy version of that stupid car insurance commercial where the guy is half motorcycle. I don’t know about you, but wouldn’t it be cooler if it was the horse on top and buy on the bottom?

Winner: Bengals


Jacksonville Jaguars – Harpies    Houston Texans – Chimera

How do you explain the Chimera? It’s like Manbearpig: half-lion, half-goat, half-snake. But even with all those things combined, it was surprisingly easy to kill. Bellerophon just flew around on Pegasus shooting him with arrows, so he already has one loss against something flying. Well you know what the harpies do pretty well? Aerial assault. Their whole deal is flying down and messing with an old blind guy. I give them the edge here.

Winner: Jaguars


Miami Dolphins – Hydra     San Francisco 49ers – Myrmekes

Myrmekes is a tricky because they’re technically not Greek. The story came from Greek sailors who encountered the giants ants in India. It’s like one of those Olympic players that has dual citizenship. Now, the Hydra? That’s pure bred Greek baby. So Greek, it might be the best part of the Disney classic “Hercules”. And he was the only one who could defeat it, so I don’t know what chance a bunch of ants have here.

Winner: Dolphins


Indianapolis Colts – Nemean Lion    Cleveland Browns – Minotaur

Remember what I said about the centaurs? The Minotaur proves my point! If this was a half-man/half-bull with a human top, it doesn’t work. But bull on top, man on bottom looks bad ass! And yeah, the Nemean lion is cool just because it’s a lion, but the only thing that makes him special is the impenetrable hide. That’s kind of lame. It’s like when you’re playing make believe and some kind says “I have body armor that protects me from everything.” Screw that kid and the Nemean lion.

Winner: Browns


New York Giants – Medusa/Gorgons       Dallas Cowboys – Scylla

Nothing like that good ol’ fashioned misogyny you can only find in Greek mythology right? Medusa gets seduced and slut-shamed by Poseidon, then turned into a Gorgon as a reward. As for Scylla, we already mentioned her as part of the dynamic duo with Charybdis, with Scylla taking the form of a dangerous cliff side. Can’t turn a stone into stone, can you Medusa? Looks like you’re about to get rocked.

Winner: Cowboys


Denver Broncos – Karkinos     New England Patriots – Unicorn

So here’s another tricky one because while we think of unicorns as magic or mythology, the Greeks didn’t. They treated it like it was a real thing, like how some people act like the Bears are a real thing. That aside, Karkinos was just a giant crab. Though, I question how giant because he’s crushed by Hercules while he’s fighting the Hydra. Regardless, if one creature has a horn and the other doesn’t, I side with the horn.

Winner: Patriots


Minnesota Vikings – Mares of Diomedes   Seattle Seahawks – Cerberus

You know that hypothetical question “would you rather face 100 duck sized horses or 1 horse sized duck”? That’s basically what this match up is. Do you want to face a group of flesh-eating horses or one dog with three heads? For me, it comes down to horses vs dogs and I always go dogs especially when it lives in hell.

Winner: Seahawks


LA Chargers – Typhon/Echidna     New Orleans Saints – Erymanthian boar

We got the most lopsided draw for our last one. The Erymanthian boar is another foil in one of Hercules labors and honestly might be the most non-labor-y; he just shouts at it until it runs into a thicket and then ties it up. On the other side, you’ve got the OGs. Mommy and Daddy monster, Thyphon and Echidna. Thyphon is basically a pseudo-titan and he and Echidna are basically the Duggars of Greek mythology. That little pig is toast.

Winner: Chargers


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