Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.
Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.
Week 6 Results: 8-6
Record to Date: 43-43
We’re getting close to Wilfrod Brimley Day aka Halloween, so we’re taking a look at the candy that makes this day what it is and keeps your rich friend from high school with the dentist dad in in a new Volkswagen Bug each year. Let’s get to the Picks!!
Detroit Lions – Payday Atlanta Falcons – Snickers
Snickers is at the top of my power rankings when it comes to candy. Mini, regular, king size, ice cream version; they all rock. And I’ve never quite understood the concept of the Payday candy bar. It’s like half the ingredients of a Snickers; shouldn’t the Payday be as many ingredients as you can put in it?
Cleveland Browns – Reese Cups Cincinnati Bengals – Reese’s Mini Cups
I swear to the ghost of Lombardi these are assigned at random. We do have three different variations of Reese products so there was a chance this could happen. But seriously, how perfect is this draw?! Without the Browns, we don’t have the Bengals and same for Reese cups and their mini me. In all seriousness, though, minis get the edge here because they’re so small they don’t even really count, so you can get away with eating like 20 in 5 minutes.
Pittsburgh Steelers – Mike & Ike Tennessee Titans – Almond Joy
If you’ve been following our Picks, you know we have very few hard and fast rules, but the ones we do, we take very seriously. The latest added to list: coconut sucks. Coconut itself knows it sucks, it tries really hard to keep you out of it. So you can keep that garbage out of my candy. As for Mike & Ike, while it might not be a rule, we do love twins. (I don’t know if Mike & Ike are actual twins, but believing they are gives me the excuse to listen to this again)
Carolina Panthers – KitKat New Orleans Saints – Starburst
The classic chocolate vs. fruit-flavored battle, and it’s a tough one. KitKat is unique with the breakaway model, plus the wafer element is a big plus. And while I realize Starburst isn’t the only candy that comes with the multiple flavors in one package, but they are the first to organize it. With so much of my world in disarray, it’s comforting to know that if I open a pack of Starbursts I always know it’s going to be red-pink-yellow-orange. That’s enough for me.
Buffalo Bills – Baby Ruth New York Jets – Blowpop
I say a lot of controversial things in the Picks, and I got two more for ya: I’ve never had a Baby Ruth and Goonies, which made Baby Ruth famous, is overrated. HOWEVER…looking at the Baby Ruth from a technical standpoint, it has all the makings of a first-round pick. Now, I do like a good Blowpop, but just like 90% of bubble gum (and, fittingly enough, 90% of Jets seasons) it’s disappointing. This case, I’ll go with the devil I don’t know.
Dallas Cowboys – Butterfinger Washington – Swedish Fish
You know how Apple configures all their products to start malfunctioning after like 3 days so you have to buy more? I firmly believe Big Dental created Swedish Fish in a secret bunker before releasing it on an unsuspecting populace to destroy fillings and create more business. IT GOES ALL THE WAY TO THE TOP!! Meanwhile, I believe Butterfingers only received their status due to a genius marketing partnership with Homer and Bart Simpson. Otherwise, they fade into chocolate obscurity. At least Swedish Fish have their own individual personality.
Seattle Seahawks – Skittles Arizona Cardinals – Reese’s Pieces
I SWEAR THIS ARE RANDOM!! This pairing is too perfect, the two non-M&M related piece-based chocolate candy. Speaking of M&Ms, Mars turning down the product placement in E.T. lead to Reese’s Pieces taking the spot in that little alien’s heart, and simultaneously the worlds. But while Reese’s Pieces may have a good spokesman, only Skittles has a beast behind it.
Kansas City Chiefs – Crunch Denver Broncos – Whoppers
Whoppers are from hell. That’s why you only see them at Halloween. Crunch bar doesn’t get the credit it rightly deserves. It may not be a world-beater, but in this pairing it gets to be the hero that slays the demon that is Whoppers. It’s not the hero we deserve, but the one we need.
San Francisco 49ers – Krackel New England Patriots – 3 Musketeers
Let’s address the elephant in the room: Krackel is just Crunch. But while they may look similar and Krackel may not be the bigger name, somehow it comes out on top. Kind of like Emilio Estevez vs Charlie Sheen. Credit where it’s due though, because 3 Musketeers comes in here as the most unique bar on the list. And while I wouldn’t kick them out of bed, they just don’t compete against the Estevez of chocolate bars.
Jacksonville Jaguars – Peanut M&Ms Los Angeles Chargers – Sour Patch Kids
Wow this is a tough one. Sour Patch Kids are our only sour-based candy on the list, and not only that they’re gummy. They’re a double threat. Speaking of double threat, Peanut M&Ms take the simple peanut and chocolate combo and execute it at its purest form. But not only does it just do its job, it takes the mantle from its predecessor and accomplishes what it couldn’t.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Mounds Las Vegas Raiders – M&Ms
M&Ms don’t deserve to win here. But just like every old white guy in his 23rd term as a Congressman, they’ll continue to do so regardless. Here in the pairing though, it has nothing to do with what M&Ms do, because we have to go back to our previous ruling: coconut sucks.
Chicago Bears – Twix Los Angeles Rams – Milk Duds
This isn’t a Picks rule, just a personal life rule: I don’t eat foods that look like poo. Milk Duds are just boxes of animal droppings. You can try to make the same argument about Twix because of Caddyshack (I know it was a Baby Ruth, but they have the same shape), but I question anyone who thinks they look like a turd if they’ve actually seen one before. Ok, enough of this talk, Twix wins.
Green Bay Packers – Hershey Houston Texans – Twizzlers
We have to give some props to Twizzlers right off the bat. How awesome is a candy that:
- tastes good
- you can drink through
- you can use to whip the crap out of your friends
But let’s be real, Hershey’s are an American staple. GIs weren’t trading Twizzlers for cheap French wine during WWII. USA! USA!