The NFL season is back and that means one thing: analyst, pundits and gasbags spouting off weekly game picks. All these people make their picks off a variety of factors – the “eye test”, so-called numbers and even some of the more fringe use facts. But worry no longer, because we are here to help remove the scales from your eyes.
Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.
Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.
Let’s start with week 1. Every team wants to be the very best, like no one ever was. This week, we’ve randomly assigned each team a Pokemon to scientifically tell us who comes out on top.
Jets – Machamp Bills – Eevee
I’ve always been an Eevee stan. But just like the furry little cat/squirrel, the Bills aren’t fully evolved. Plus Machamp has four arms and is clearly on the juice.
Seahawks – Tangela Falcons – Arcanine
Dogs are the best. Dogs with fire breath are even better. And going up against a plate of spaghetti with eyes? Done-zo.
Bears – Ponyta Lions – Nidoqueen
The whole nido-clan is underrated and Nidoqueen is HBIC. And horses in general are overrated, thanks to the Kentucky Derby and Clint Eastwood movies. Step on a rock wrong and it’s off to the poke-glue factory for the fire pony.
Dolphins – Kakuna Patriots – Marowak
We randomly selected these Pokemon to represent teams, but sometimes the selection perfectly represents their team. Kakuna just sits there waiting to become something better, a la the Dolphins. Marowak looks like a bone ninja, that’s cool.
Eagles – Clefairy Washington – Exeggutor
This one is easy. Exeggutor is a fighting palm tree with psychic powers. Clefairy is just Jigglypuff, post-freshman 15. Aloha.
Raiders – Vaporeon Panthers – Kabutops
As mentioned, I’m an Eevee stan and that extends to the evolutions. Kabutops does have swords for hands, which is cool. But it’s also a fossil, which I have to imagine is a disadvantage.
Colts – Horsea Jaguars – Nidoran
I’ll be honestly, these are both kind of lame until they evolve. Horsea is basically a seahorse, and I already gave my opinion on horses. And Nidoran is my least favorite of the Nido-Brady Bunch. However, Horsea has a Dobby quality to him, where he’s so pathetic you start to feel bad for him, but when push comes shove he can tag you.
Browns – Sandslash Ravens – Poliwrath
I like both of these guys. Sandlash reminds me of Sonic, and anytime you replace something’s hands with swords/claws/some kind of cutting device I’m a fan. But Poliwrath, man, just screams “do not eff with”. God help you if you spill a drink on his girlfriend.
Chargers – Dragonite Bengals – Graveler
Dragons slap, dude, and Dragonite’s whole evolution is one of my favorites. Dragonite is such an under-the-radar star; he’s like the Mike Trout of pokemon. Graveler, on the other hand, is…a rock. Dragon beats rock.
Buccaneers – Rapidash Saints – Diglett
We’re back to horses, but this time I’m flipping the script. Diglett looks like a hot dog. And being in the ground puts him right at hoof-level. Rapidash curb stomps this guy.
Cardinals – Rhyhorn 49ers – Cubone
One is rhinoceros. One is baby kangaroo with a skull on its head. I’m not sure I need to say more.
Cowboys – Geodude Rams – Mankey
How was Geodude able to just float around? He’s a freaking rock with no legs! I know this is a different universe with fighting monsters, but do the laws of physics stop existing?? No sir, don’t like it. Give me a monkey all day long.
Steelers – Mr.Mime Giants – Charmeleon
Clowns suck. The only good clown is Krusty and even he isn’t, like, that great of a person. Charmeleon is a fire lizard. It’s a shame the show moved past him so quick to Charizard, he deserved better. I’ll better that clown make up is flammable and Mr. Mime is primed to go up like roman candle.
Titans – Tentacruel Broncos – Dugtrio
I don’t trust things without legs. I also really don’t trust things with more than four legs, especially if it comes from the ocean. Dugtrio is technically three Diglets, so that’s 3v1. I like those odds.
Packers – Staryu Vikings – Kadabra
Just like clowns, we only really tolerate magicians. Kadabra is basically just a magician, and a creepy one at that. Look at that mustache and tell me that dude doesn’t give awkwardly long hugs. You know what people do like, though? Stars, especially gold stars.