Welcome to our Super Scientific Accredited NFL Game Picks.
Each week, we’ll give you the sure-fire winner of each NFL game this week, based solely on our super scientific accredited methods. What are these methods? It could be anything: number of McDonalds in each city, who has the most famous person born there-it could be anything. And it’s all scientific, baby.
Week 1 Results: 8-7
This week, the Super Scientific Accredited NFL Picks is the Super Scientific Accre-diddly-dited NFL Pickerinos. That’s because we’re using the Rolling Stone’s list of the top 150 Simpsons episodes to tell us who are “Locks of the Week” will be.
Giants – “Lard of the Dance” Bears – “Bart the Murderer”
As we start out, it should be noted that we here at the Picks give anything season 1-8 an automatic edge over 9+. This is a good match up to illustrate that. Both are good episodes overall, but “Bart the Murderer” gets the edge for having that “golden era” quality to it. Plus, whenever Fat Tony comes in and plays Pippen to an A-story always works.
Winning quote: “Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the… uh… what cures cancer?” – Chief Wiggum
Falcons – “Kill the Alligator and Run” Cowboys – “Marge vs the Monorail”
Body bag. This isn’t even fair. Even if “Marge vs the Monorail” wasn’t the quintessential Simpsons episode (if not cartoons in general), the opponent does nothing to help. “Kill the Alligator and Run” is not good. Throw in a guest appearance by the physical embodiment of Boone’s Farm, Kid Rock, and this was over before they got off the bus.
Winning quote: “Are you on your third beer of the evening?” – Lionel Hutz “Does whisky count as beer?” -Homer Simpson
Jaguars – “Thirty Minutes over Tokyo” Titans – “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder”
I wish I could say this is closer because it’s two episodes from later seasons, making it a level playing field. But “Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder” could legitimately be one of the worst episodes of The Simpsons ever. To make it worse, “Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo” is probably one of the best “The Simpsons are going to (insert place)” episodes. Plus it has Godzilla and robots that give you seizures, you aren’t stopping that.
Winning quote: “Knife goes in, guts come out, that’s what Osaka Seafood Concern is all about” – Osaka Seafood Concern Mascot
Vikings – “Homer’s Phobia” Colts – “Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield”
Imagine these episodes as QB prospects. “Class Struggle” is Tim Tebow. It’s hard to build an episode around Marge. She’s always been criminally underdeveloped, and when they try to do something with her, it never seems to land. On the other side of the field, you have “Homer’s Phobia” which not only is organically funny, but actually did a decent job addressing homophobia (for a cartoon at least). It’s Joe Burrow: plug and play, baby.
Winning quote: “You know me, Marge. I like my beer cold, my TV loud and my homosexuals fa-laaaaming!” – Homer Simpson
Bills – “Radio Bart” Dolphins – “Last Exit to Springfield”
How do you have a lame episode centered around Bart, this generation’s Dennis the Menace? Don’t ask me, but “Radio Bart” found a way. It falls into the “Bart prank goes too far” cliché pitfall, or well in this case. Meanwhile, “Last Exit to Springfield” comes in as the Jim Kelly-era Buffalo Bills, being one of the best but always seeming to come in second to “Marge vs the Monorail”. It may not have a ring, but it wins big here.
Winning quote: “Look at him strutting around like he’s cock of the walk. Well, Homer Simpson is cock of nothing!” – Mr. Burns
49ers – “Homer the Heretic” Jets – “Treehouse of Horror III”
Gonna say something controversial, yet brave: Treehouse of Horror is kind of overrated. It’s like SNL, living off a handful of good segments that carry a lot of mediocre. And this one doesn’t even get saved by any of the good ones. “Homer the Heretic”, on the other hand, is a classic Homer-based episode and is a machine gun of some of the best gags (including what could be my favorite ever below). No contest here.
Rams – “Homer’s Enemy” Eagles – “The Way We Were”
I’ve never been a big fan of any episode that goes back to the Homer/Marge origin story. They don’t have a good marriage, that’s obvious. I don’t need to keep going back to the beginning to try and explain it away. “The Way We Were” gains points by bringing in Simpsons-journeyman Jon Lovitz, but it’s not enough to overcome possibly Hank Azaria’s best one-time character performance as Frank Grimes in “Homer’s Enemy”.
Winning quote: “I live in a single room above a bowling alley and below another bowling alley.” – Frank Grimes (or Grimey as he liked to be called)
Broncos – “Homie the Clown” Steelers – “Homer Goes to College”
Wow. This is the hardest match up to decide. These have to be in the Pantheon of Homer classics. Both are hilarious in their own right, with classic moments from each. We’re trying to pick between white and yellow cheese curds, here, how do you do that? I think we have to go off the memes, and while “Homer Goes to College” has some great Simpson-specific memes, I don’t think any of them beat this.
Winning quote: “I thought the Generals were due! He’s spinning the ball on his finger, just take it!” – Krusty the Clown
Panthers – “Simpson and Delilah” Bucs – “King-Size Homer”
Speaking of Homer classics, what’s more classic than Homer in a muumuu? Or hijacking an ice cream truck while wearing said muumuu (ohh that’s raspberry)? Muumuu Homer is our 2020 quarantine spirit animal: gaining a little extra weight, working from home and wearing clothes outdoors we shouldn’t be. I know “Simpson and Delilah” is popular with a lot of Simpsons fans, but it’s just never done it for me. Like, I don’t know if I even have a funny quip about it, it just..exists.
Winning quote: “I heard your dad went into a restaurant, and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant.” – Ralph Wiggum
Washington – “In Marge We Trust” Cardinals – “Kamp Krusty”
A match up that’s a lot closer than it looks on paper. Summer camp-themed anything always works (Meatballs, Heavyweights, Friday the 13th), and “Kamp Krusty” proves that. But as Lee Corso would say, “(incoherent rambling) not so fast my friend!”. “In Marge We Trust” pairs up Marge and Rev. Lovejoy as an unlikely duo that works pretty well. However, it’s still not enough to top an episode that ends with a clown taking a bunch of kids to Tijuana.
Winning quote: “Wait, I never told you how World War II ended…..WE WON!!” – Elementary Teacher
Chiefs – “Lisa’s First Word” Chargers – “Whacking Day”
Fun fact: “Whacking Day” actually won the Genesis Award from the Humane Society for raising public awareness of animal issues. Past winners include Harry and the Hendersons, How to Train Your Dragon and Chicken Run. How can you argue against an award winner? As for “Lisa’s First Word”, I just can’t really get down with flashback episodes. If I wanted to watch hear a story about something from the past, I’d talk to a Bears fan. HEEEYOOO!!!
Winning quote: “Lisa, maybe if I’m part of that mob, I can help steer it in wise directions. Now where’s my giant foam cowboy hat and air horn?” – Homer Simpson
Ravens – “All Singing, All Dancing” Texans – “Homer Badmen”
Here’s another one that’s over before it starts. Clip shows are microwave hot dogs for dinner, proof that you mailed it in. “Homer Badmen” is an underrated episode that doesn’t get it’s proper place in the history of The Simpsons. This will be as easy as plucking the Gummy Venus Demilo off the babysitter’s pants.
Winning quote: “Let’s have less Homer Simpsons, and more money for public schools.” – Talk show audience member
Patriots – “Treehouse of Horror VIII” Seahawks – “The Debarted”
A good ol’ “who do I hate less” match up, fitting for a Patriots/Seahawks game. A TOH and a later-season dud. They’re both bad and should feel bad. HOWEVER…there is one bright spot that puts “TOH VIII” above it’s competitor, and that is a naked Homer Simpson dancing and singing WAR in a post-apocalyptic church.
Saints – “The Otto Show” Raiders – “Simpsons Bible Stories”
I don’t know if The Simpsons started the “three minisodes inside one episode bit”, but they’re damn good at it; the Triangle Offense to perfection. “Simpsons Bible Stories” may be a decent episode, but it’s just that. It’s Matt Stafford: good, not great. And by no means is “The Otto Show” a world-beater, but it is a solid early season contender. They gave the ball to Otto in really his first episode, got out of the way and he killed it.
Winning quote: “Wow, I’ve never been called an adult before. I’ve been tried as one…” – Otto Mann
Lions – “New Kid on the Block” Packers – “Lisa the Iconoclast”
The Simpsons is probably the best out of any show, outside of maybe Murder She Wrote, at utilizing guest stars. “Lisa the Iconoclast” and their use of Donald Sutherland is a home run, being used a both friend and foil of Lisa. She really shines when she has an intellectual adult to play off of (eg. “Lisa’s Substitute”). “New Kid on the Block” does have it’s own great guest appearance from “Big Bang Theory”‘s Sara Gilbert, but she’s used in a quite-overdone Bart romantic interest role. Bart is like Aaron Rodgers, he works better single.
Winning quote: “A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man.” – Jedediah Springfield