In this age of COVID, necessity is truly the mother of invention. We’ve had to learn new ways to not just simply survive, but almost more importantly, how to play football. The NFL has tried implementing new safety measures and protocols to prevent mass spread of the virus that has plagued the world, but this week’s Ravens/Steelers fiasco has shown they simply aren’t enough.
The NFL playoffs are right around the corner and the league and their teams can ill afford to have more games affected. To keep America safe and our loved ones healthy, we need to listen to science and scientists. But to protect our most precious natural resource, football, maybe we need to start also listening to science…fiction? Here’s a few helpful hands lent to us from some of our sci-fi favorites.
Freeze a Quarterback in Carbonite (Star Wars)
Frozen carbonite: it’s not just for sexy smugglers and scruffy-looking nerf herders anymore! Sure, you’ll still have a back-up QB dress on game days and at practice, but what’s the point of having your third- and fourth-stringers throwing nothing but germs everywhere? Ask Denver if they would’ve preferred having Drew Stanton waiting to be unfrozen Sunday.
Just dunk Jordan Love in there like a big cookie and put him in a glass case with that little hammer on it. The only downside is the notorious hibernation sickness, but as long as we aren’t playing the sarlacc pit we should be good.
ED-209 Stationed on the Sidelines (Robocop)
YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF NFL SIDELINE MASK CODE. PULL THE MASK OVER YOUR MOUTH AND NOSE. YOU HAVE TWENTY SECONDS TO COMPLY. Yeah, have that oversized robot ostrich patrolling the sidelines pointing rockets at people and tell me if you see any more of those chin diapers.
Elephant in the room: it’s got a bit of a programming issue as ED-209 can get a little trigger happy. I know what you’re saying, “why aren’t we just bringing in Robocop”? A valid argument, but at his core Robocop is still human, so I assume he can still get sick. Kind of defeats the purpose.
Hold Virtual Practice in the Matrix (Matrix Trilogies)
Why aren’t we already doing this?! Get rid of your playbooks, we can upload this week’s offensive play sheet plus teach you helicopter jiu jitsu all at once. We’re already meeting virtually; this is just the next step. No one is spreading a virus or tearing an ACL here. What’s the downside?
Oh, right, the USB port getting installed in the back of your head. Uncomfortable at first, maybe, but think of it like a fashion statement. NFLers are already trend setters. Give it 2 weeks and every kid on TikTok will have one.
Create Copies of All the Players (Aeon Flux)
Who’s Aaron Rodgers back up if he gets sick or hurt? Why not Aaron Rodgers 2.0? A virus is the reason they started cloning people there anyways, so it’s fitting that we start using it now to save football first and foremost. We can even store all of them in that cool blimp thing that’s always flying around.
And why stop there? They have all those other cool body upgrades. Imagine seeing Davante Adams with hands as feet. Obviously, we’d have to do some kind of labeling system to distinguish who’s the clone and who’s the original, but there’s gotta be some sharpies lying around 1265 Lombardi from the McCarthy era, right?
If you’ve made it to the end of this, I hope you realize this piece was an attempt to bring some levity to an otherwise heavy and very serious topic.
Wear a mask. Practice social distancing. Wash your hands. Wash your butt. Take care of your chicken.
Most importantly, take care of each other.