5 Candidates to Replace Mike Pettine

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Warranted or not, much of the public blame for the Green Bay Packers troubles on defense has been placed at the feet of third-year defensive coordinator Mike Pettine. While arguments can be made for and against Pettine, the question remains: if the team decided to move on, who would head coach Matt LaFleur tap to lead his defense? We aim to take a look at a short list of candidates, all of whom would bring their own unique style to the team.

 

The Winner: Homer Simpson (The Simpsons)

You want a guy with a winning pedigree, you say? Look no further than Homer Jay. He’s always had a nose for football, whether it’s picking off Dan Marino at the Super Bowl, being an expert touchdown celebration artist or his public desire to own the Dallas Cowboys. He’s shown he can make the tough decisions, even cutting half his team if need be. Plus, he already has experience taking over mid-season and making things work. Who could forget when he took over for Flanders, leading the Wildcats to a championship victory over their hated rival, the Wildcats? His game knowledge is unparalleled, the rings are just gravy.

Mmmmm…gravy.

 

The Analytics Guy: WOPR (WarGames)

Analytics is the future. It’s inevitable. You can either be the front runner or get left in the dust. WOPR was designed to predict the outcomes of global thermonuclear war, so I think he’ll do just fine figuring out when to bring the blitz and how to successfully rush only three (turns out the only winning move is not to play). And I know what you’re asking. “But how can a computer replace the human connection with the players?” Don’t get it twisted, WOPR is just as down to Earth as you and me. He enjoys a nice game of chess just like everyone else.

 

The Fan: Red Forman (That 70s Show)

Is your defense having trouble tackling? Stopping the run? Lacking energy? Give it a kick in the ass! Red was forged in the fires of the Lombardi era. He worshiped at the altars of Nitschke, Davis and Wood. While the rest of the league goes finesse, Forman could bring a smash-mouth style of football that would instantly demand a sense of respect. And as a fan, Red Forman understands the history of the Packers and knows what success means for this team and community. Not to mention, he already lives in the area, so moving will be a breeze.

 

The Entertainer: Jackie Moon (Semi Pro)

At the end of the day, what’s a game but simply entertainment, right? With that in mind, why not bring in one of the best entertainers in the sports world! Moon has always had dreams of working in the big leagues and with the NBA move falling through, the NFL seems like a natural move. Would it be a challenge jumping to a different sport? Possibly, but Jackie Moon has never been one to shy away from a challenge. If you can wrestle a bear, you can handle anything. He’s got a history of success working in small markets; what sports fan doesn’t know the story of the Flint, Michigan Megabowl? He’s a motivator, innovator and singing sensation. Time to get tropical, Green Bay.

 

The Motivator: John “Bluto” Blutarsky (Animal House)

The knock on this team has been when they get down in big games, it seems like they just roll over and take it. Well, not with this guy at the helm! He’s not gonna take this! Shanahan is dead man! Garoppolo, dead! Kittle, dead! Blutarsky is the ultimate motivator, no matter how dark the night seems. However, he’s not just a loudmouth gas bag; Bluto brings not only 7 years of college experience to the job, but he’s served our country proudly as a civil servant in Congress. Forget the D-Train. Here comes the Deathmobile.

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[…] The Packers are coming off a horrible performance against the Minnesota Dalvin Cooks, so we’re reasonably concerned about what we’re going to see tomorrow night. Defensive Coordinator, Mike Pettine has clung to the motto “if it ain’t broke don’t fix it” but the Packer’s run-defense is broken. Pettine should consider prioritizing the 3-4 defense over the nickel and utilizing run-blitzes to clog some lanes against the 49ers. He should handle this game like his job depends on it – because it does. […]

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