Welcome to Jurassic Park

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Yeah, I’ve been waiting to do this for awhile.


We’re officially one year away from the latest installment in the Jurassic Park franchise, with Jurassic Park: Dominion set to come out June 10th, 2022. In honor of this milestone, I’m combining my favorite team and my favorite movies by recasting the original film using some of our favorite (or not so favorite) Packers players, coaches and surrounding personalities.

Let’s start with our human characters.

  • Alan Grant – Aaron Rodgers

Was there any question? Of course he’s our leading man. Rugged from years of toiling away in the hot sun, scraping away at dirt and rock. He may not always dig up the biggest skeleton every year, but his contributions aren’t forgotten and he’s one of the most respected figures in his field. And he’s not exactly a fan of the *ahem* younger generation.

 

  • Ellie Sattler – Davante Adams

Grant’s partner-in-crime. You don’t get Sadler without Grant, just like you won’t have Adams without Rodgers. However, while the two are inseparable now, there’s a noticeable age difference there and he knows that he’ll have to eventually continue his career without the man who carried him under his wing early on.

 

  • Ian Malcom – Packers Twitter/Facebook

This was my toughest decision to make since Malcolm is my favorite character in the books or the movies. Ultimately, I think this is the right decision. Malcolm knows things and he makes sure everyone knows it, usually in the most annoying way possible. And if anything in the world is the true manifestation of chaos theory, it’s Packers social media. Just remember, next time you think about if you could tweet that terrible take, stop to think if you should.

 

  • Lex – Rashan Gary

Adolescent who maybe doesn’t fit in right away, but eventually blossoms into someone you can really rely on. Early on, he may not have been a major contributor and maybe wasn’t everyone’s favorite character. Before you know it, though, he’s trapping raptors in freezers and restarting the phone and security systems. The big question: can you put cheese on Jell-o?

 

Energetic, young tike who aspires to be just like his hero, Alan Grant. While he may not be actively trying to, he spends most of his time bothering and having to be carried around and saved by Grant. Maybe we need to have Rodgers and Love climb some electric fences to really help bridge that gap between them.

 

  • John Hammond – Brian Gutekunst

The guy in charge. It’s his vision, and he won’t stop until his empire is built in his image. But is it all a flea circus? Does he respect the power he has, or will his hubris be his downfall? Whether he succeeds or fails, one thing is certain: Gute has truly spared no expense.

 

  • Henry Wu – Russ Ball

Smaller background character who deserves way more screen time considering how much he helped create the park. Sure, creating dinosaurs is impressive, but what Ball has been able to do with the cap situation makes him the real miracle worker of Jurassic Park.

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  • Robert Muldoon – David Bakthari

I’ll be honest, there’s really not much more behind this decision than I think he’s the one who pulls off that Outback hat and khaki outfit. Plus, he just looks like he could start talking with a South African accent at any point, right?

 

  • Dennis Nedry – Adam Schefter

Our football news is your hands and you have Butterfingers?! He’s the guy who sits looking at a screen all day and in his pursuit of accumulating information and data, inadvertently causes a destructive meltdown with multiple casualties. Not to mention, I’m sure there’s a selection of Packers fans who wouldn’t mind seeing him hit with a face full of venomous sludge.

 

  • Donald Gennaro – Mark Murphy

The executive behind the scenes. Sure, that other guy with the big, crazy ideas is running the show, but he represents the board and the investors so who’s really in charge here? He’s got to walk the tight rope of letting Hammond build his dream and getting blinded by the dollar signs. Just be wary of public bathrooms.

 

  • Ray Arnold – Matt LaFleur

You really gotta kind of feel for him. He’s trying his best to do everything he can to make Hammond’s quixotic vision a reality, but in a way that maintains the balance and order of the park, keeping everyone happy and healthy. When things go wrong, he’s the one who is tasked with getting things back on track, even if it means wading through a jungle of raptors (or media members) to do it. It’s not been an easy situation, let’s give him a hand.

 

Now let’s get some dinos!!

  • T-Rex – Kenny Clark

Big, imposing force who typically has to work alone. That’s fine, though, because he wouldn’t want it to be easy. Kenny Clark doesn’t want to be fed, he wants to hunt. He may not be the flashiest, but right when you forget that he’s around, he’ll burst through a wall and remind you who’s the real king.

 

  • Raptors – Smith brothers

Was Grant describing raptors or Za’darius and Preston here?

“And that’s when the attack comes, not from the front but from the sides..from the other two raptors you didn’t even know were there”

These two are pack hunters and they are out in full force every Sunday, making every quarterback look like a cow on a crane. The speed, the ferocity; they’re always deadly on the field together. And all those sack dances and turnover celebrations have to be created by someone rather…clever.

 

  • Dilophosaurus – Jaire Alexander

Don’t let the size of this smaller dino fool you. He’s got the agility and skill to paralyze his prey every play, making him a beautiful, yet deadly addition to this Packers team. Not to mention, they both are dripping with swag. You gotta have a real sense of style to pull off colorful, vibrating neck flaps.

 

  • Brachiosaurus – Kevin King

A tall, somewhat cumbersome presence on the field, usually with other smaller, faster dinos slipping by him. You can’t really consistently rely on him to do more than sort of get in the way sometimes. He won’t kill anything, but be careful: you could get lured into a false sense of security and before you know it, you’ve got a face full of Brachy snot.

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